I want to scream

I just want to scream. Or pull my hair out. Or, I just don't know, I just want to shut everything out and skip over the next few days.

"Hi. What are you up to tomorrow night. Would you like to come to the rehearsal dinner?"

What sort of world am I in? How in the hell could someone think this is a good thing to ask me? Why  does he keep asking?!?

I just can't even breathe. I just want it all to be done. I want my old friend back. I don't want this idiot. I don't understand this person. I don't want to hate him. I just can't believe this is actually happening.

This isn't supposed to be how it works. I don't know why, because I always expect things to go wrong, but I always *knew* it would work out with him.  Nothing else ever felt that good. That's why I never gave up. Too many Disney movies I suppose. Doing/being good =/= getting rewards. I hate this.

Just stop hurting. Just stop thinking. Just stop remembering. Just stop.

Three strikes and I'm out

Three strikes and you're out. Or at least three lies and you're out. Who knew I was an optimist? But evidently I like to believe in the best from folks even when they show me over and over it isn't coming.

I never believed in fairytales. I was never a romantic. But I've always believed I knew who I'd end up with. Even when we were not together or even speaking. Because of this. I understand him and he me. My favorite person on the planet. What more could I want or ask for or deserve I thought. And I still do.

But somewhere along the line he changed. Things he swore to me he'd never do, he's done or will be doing. He's a follower. He wants so badly to be loved and to have the white picket fence and the wife and the 2.1 kids. He bought into an image that doesn't exist. But now he thinks he's found the love of his life but this isn't the love of the person I used to love. I don't recognize this person and it hurts so much. Not only am I not happy but I can't see him living this life and being happy.

Scarlett and Suzanne have a pity party.

Where have I been? Depressed-that's where I've been and cranky. I figured no one wanted to hear me complain so I haven't been writing in a long time. But then I figured writing is usually cathartic for me so if you want to read, go ahead and if you don't, don't.

I just finished reading Gone with the Wind for about the 10th time. (If you haven't read it, spoilers ahead.) Love that book. Kind of hate Scarlett. She's a b****. But her obsession with Ashley reminded me of me. See I've kind of been obsessed with someone for way too long. It takes Scarlett until the very end of the book (and losing Rhett) to realize she isn't in love with Ashley; she's in love with the picture she has created in her mind of him.

I think I have the same issue. The person I love is from the past and isn't there anymore. In fact, I'm not even sure if I like the person he has become. Unfortunately, I keep thinking, "oh, he'll change" or "if he was with me, he'd go back to how he was." (dumb girl thinking)

Utah changes people. I know it has changed me (mainly for the better) but I think he has changed for the worse. Let's just say wanting to be with a Molly when you aren't fully committed to your new religion is just a bad way to live. If you want to be Mormon, go all in but if you do it half way it can be a fast trip to major guilt.

So what to do? What to do? Well, most people would say cut all ties and I agree. Not thinking about him is usually the best thing for me. But here's the prob - way too much history. How do you stop loving the guy you've loved since you were 6? How do you stop thinking about him when so many of your best memories growing up involve that friendship? How do you break the connection when your parents are all great friends and you get to hear about how much his parents like his girlfriend?

Whatever. I don't know the answer. But I'm starting to think I really screwed up like Scarlett. If "we" had ever worked out, people would call it romantic that I was patient and waited for him to wise up. But since it is not working out, it is pathetic instead. So yes, I'm cranky. And the frickin inversion isn't helping any. Thank goodness it has been sunny lately!

Drank the Kool-aid

As many of you know, I gave in a drank the Crossfit Kool-aid. It really is a cult. Crazy people, crazy activities, and crazy lingo. I LOVE IT! Reminds me so much of being an athlete in high school. I feel younger and stronger than I have in years.

My proof:

Yep, I lift big, heavy tires.

Alas, when you lift big, heavy tires, you get big, ugly tread marks on your body. The bruises are almost a week old now. But check out that muscle! 

They allow me to do things like this:

My father was very proud of me.

I'm attempting to learn to do double-unders (jump roping where the rope passes under your feet twice per jump). This is what it looks like when you "attempt" double unders.

Looks much better than last week. No, I'm not a cutter; I'm a whipper. I'll save you from having to see the marks on my butt from missed jumps.

Yesterday, we were doing push presses. Basically, the weights rest across your shoulders and you push/press it overhead. Over head stuff is not my forte.  I may have missed a couple of times and the weigh may have rocketed back down onto my clavicle.  Darn gravity.  I'm sure this will be even more impressive tomorrow.

But my all time favorite (?) marks come from burpees. Turns out, in Crossfit, you have to throw in a pushup at the bottom of a burpee. Well, when you're really tired, that sometimes results in flinging your body to the ground and then doing a random pushup motion with maybe some knees thrown in, which result in this.  

Uh, huh. So to sum things up, I love this crazy, insane sport! Please don't give me the number to an abuse hotline (actually happened to one of the girls at the box, whose friend had seen her whip marks). I love what's going on with my body and even love the war wounds. 

Some of the WODs (workouts of the day) suck. Couple of weeks ago we did Filthy 50: 

50 Box jump

50 Jumping pull-ups
50 Kettlebell swings
Walking Lunge, 50 steps
50 Knees to elbows
50 Push press
50 Back extensions
50 Wall ball shots
50 Burpees
50 Double unders

Holy heck that may have hurt. Not really sure because I got pretty delirious before it was all over and wasn't thinking real clearly. But OMG! I saw the WOD the night before and was freaking out. But I'm more proud of finishing it than pretty much anything else I've done lately. 

Between the muscles, the war wounds, the people, the shirtless guys, and the endorphins,  I'm definitely addicted to Crossfit. 

Gun Safety

In the guise of "gun safety," the president is attempting to bypass the legislative branch of government and the Constitution. Can you tell I'm an angry gun owner? As I tell my class, you can have any opinion you want as long as you are educated about the opinion.

Here's why I believe the "assault weapons" ban is a politically motivated and unhelpful idea:

http://www.assaultweapon.info

This is a semi-long, but extremely informative presentation regarding the ban. If you don't want to check it out, here's my highlights.

1. "Assault weapon" isn't an actual category of gun. It was created by politicians and is mainly based on cosmetic reasons, basically, does it look like a military gun?
2. Fully automatic weapons (ones that fire more than one bullet each time you pull the trigger) have already been banned since Reagan was president.
3. Semi-automatice weapons (ones that fire one bullet each time you pull the trigger) include almost all handguns and many rifles and shotguns. Technically, many BB guns are semi-automatics.
4. Since it would be politically impossible to ban all semi-automatic guns, the "assault weapon" was created.
5. The "ban" doesn't actually get rid of "assault weapons." It only stops the sale and manufacture of NEW "assault weapons." So all the ones in existence today aren't going anywhere. 

It is a total clique but the only thing that happens when we outlaw guns is that outlaws will be the only ones with guns. There are already laws against murder (not even mentioning the ingrain human abhorrence of the act). There are already laws against theft (which is where many guns used in crimes are acquired). Do not take away my rights, as a law abiding citizen of the United States of America, in a politically motivated attempt to stop crime.

Boycotting American Idol

I am not an American Idol fan. It really bugs me when it is referred to as "family entertainment."

The first few weeks of Idol have some good performances but I feel like most of the auditions are a chance for the judges and viewers to make fun of and laugh at bad performers. (Yes, I know some of the people try out as a joke.) Shouldn't we be teaching our children NOT to make fun of others? Even if, or especially if, they are horrible...singers, football players, dancers, etc? How is this considered family entertainment when the audience is being encouraged to laugh at others? Not a good message.

Secondly, I dislike the emphasis in our culture on entertainers. Yes, the arts are important and children do learn a lot from being involved in them. But I don't feel like Idol is encouraging the arts. It isn't even a show looking for the best singer-they want the best performer who can be modeled into a commercial vehicle. This probably has more to do with our society than with Idol itself but I wish kids could be honored for their smarts and not whether they look hot or can make a dunk.

A year? Almost a whole year?

Where oh where have I been for the past year? Well, same place I've been for the last few years but I guess I forgot to write about it. Since Saturday is the one year anniversary of my last post, I thought I'd throw something out today.

Currently sitting in Missoula, enjoying the last few days of my break, waiting for the weekend. Oh, and why am I so excited for the weekend? It's playoff time baby! After a rough 2010 campaign, which will not be talked about anymore, Montana is back in the playoffs. Woohoo you say? Oh, yeah, I say.

What else have I been up to for the 12 months? Well, I finisheda year of teaching in my one room school house. 29 kids, reading levels from 1st to HS. Sweetest kids I've ever had. Neck and neck for my favorite class.

I finished over 100 pages of writing and two videos of me teaching for the National Boards for Professional Teaching Standards and took six tests on content knowledge. Just found out I passed. Should be excited but I'm not. Totally overrated process but I do get an extra $1000 a year. Everyone talks about how it makes you a better teacher, but really? If you aren't already thinking about how and why you teach things and assessing your lesson afterwards, then, no, you're not a very good teacher.

Thanks to my year round schedule I did get in some traveling. My mom and I went to Virginia in May to visit a cousin of hers, who had terminal cancer. Unfortunately, Marlene died a couple of weeks after our visit but I'm glad we were able to go back and see her. Here's a picture from our room on the beach at the Outer Banks.

School ended right before the Fourth of July and I headed to Missoula to celebrate. All I have to say about that is it is a good thing I don't spend more time in Missoula celebrating. Or at least Missoula in the summer. Your mom was right: Nothing good ever happens after midnight.

School started again in July and after three weeks I was so ready for my first break. Since I would like to keep my job, I won't elaborate on why my class is killing me but good grief...

Anyway, I took a short trip to San Diego to see my dear friend Jenna. Somehow I hadn't seen her for several years since her excellent wedding in Hawaii. But since I somehow manage to always be involved in her major life events, I thought I'd visit during her ninth month of pregnancy. I can't seem to find any pictures although I know I took one of the only "belly" pictures she has. Unfortunately, I could not convince her to go into labor while I was there so I have not met little Mason yet but his pictures are darling. San Diego is a wonderful town and Jenna and Mark were great hosts!

School started again and I got through another nine weeks. Although I have the smallest class ever (22), they are tougher than last year's huge class. September-November went approximately like this: decent, frustrating, irritating, me leaving class so I could cry because I was so frustrated, conference week making me want to quit teaching, Halloween week improvements, getting better, maybe I actually like these kids, book report debacle, most of the kids doing what they are supposed to, off-track! Actually, I think we are over the worst and the rest of the school year will go well. Right?

I had been running again this summer and early fall. Did the Homecoming Hustle on the parade route in Missoula for Homecoming. Awesome route and Ihad a great time. Part of the run went around the field at the stadium and it was heaven. I need a track made from fake turf. No, really I do! My back is shot to heck and I haven't been able to run for ages. A nice soft track would be wonderful.

So there you go! If I see you everyday, I'm sure you already know most of this. If I haven't seen you in ages, you are now caught up. I'll be in Camas for Christmas and through New Year's so if you are there I want to catch up (Becky, I want to see that house of yours!). Hopefully, I'll be back before December 2012. After all, we might not have long to live if the Mayans were correct.

And of course, no blog would be complete without...

Ava and Grizzy who celebrated their 5th and 6th birthdays, respectively, at the beginning of November when Mom made her annual pilgrimage to West Jordan to help me teach long division to my class.