Always tired

To be continued

Dear God I find myself agreeing with Justin Bieber...

"We were so in love," the singer, 21, told Complex magazine of Gomez for his new cover story. "Nothing else mattered. We were all about each other. But when it's like that and you get your value from that, people will always disappoint you. Your girl or your dude, they're always going to disappoint you. Your full identity can't be in that person. My identity was in her. Her identity was in me." 

I want to scream

I just want to scream. Or pull my hair out. Or, I just don't know, I just want to shut everything out and skip over the next few days.

"Hi. What are you up to tomorrow night. Would you like to come to the rehearsal dinner?"

What sort of world am I in? How in the hell could someone think this is a good thing to ask me? Why  does he keep asking?!?

I just can't even breathe. I just want it all to be done. I want my old friend back. I don't want this idiot. I don't understand this person. I don't want to hate him. I just can't believe this is actually happening.

This isn't supposed to be how it works. I don't know why, because I always expect things to go wrong, but I always *knew* it would work out with him.  Nothing else ever felt that good. That's why I never gave up. Too many Disney movies I suppose. Doing/being good =/= getting rewards. I hate this.

Just stop hurting. Just stop thinking. Just stop remembering. Just stop.

Three strikes and I'm out

Three strikes and you're out. Or at least three lies and you're out. Who knew I was an optimist? But evidently I like to believe in the best from folks even when they show me over and over it isn't coming.

I never believed in fairytales. I was never a romantic. But I've always believed I knew who I'd end up with. Even when we were not together or even speaking. Because of this. I understand him and he me. My favorite person on the planet. What more could I want or ask for or deserve I thought. And I still do.

But somewhere along the line he changed. Things he swore to me he'd never do, he's done or will be doing. He's a follower. He wants so badly to be loved and to have the white picket fence and the wife and the 2.1 kids. He bought into an image that doesn't exist. But now he thinks he's found the love of his life but this isn't the love of the person I used to love. I don't recognize this person and it hurts so much. Not only am I not happy but I can't see him living this life and being happy.

Scarlett and Suzanne have a pity party.

Where have I been? Depressed-that's where I've been and cranky. I figured no one wanted to hear me complain so I haven't been writing in a long time. But then I figured writing is usually cathartic for me so if you want to read, go ahead and if you don't, don't.

I just finished reading Gone with the Wind for about the 10th time. (If you haven't read it, spoilers ahead.) Love that book. Kind of hate Scarlett. She's a b****. But her obsession with Ashley reminded me of me. See I've kind of been obsessed with someone for way too long. It takes Scarlett until the very end of the book (and losing Rhett) to realize she isn't in love with Ashley; she's in love with the picture she has created in her mind of him.

I think I have the same issue. The person I love is from the past and isn't there anymore. In fact, I'm not even sure if I like the person he has become. Unfortunately, I keep thinking, "oh, he'll change" or "if he was with me, he'd go back to how he was." (dumb girl thinking)

Utah changes people. I know it has changed me (mainly for the better) but I think he has changed for the worse. Let's just say wanting to be with a Molly when you aren't fully committed to your new religion is just a bad way to live. If you want to be Mormon, go all in but if you do it half way it can be a fast trip to major guilt.

So what to do? What to do? Well, most people would say cut all ties and I agree. Not thinking about him is usually the best thing for me. But here's the prob - way too much history. How do you stop loving the guy you've loved since you were 6? How do you stop thinking about him when so many of your best memories growing up involve that friendship? How do you break the connection when your parents are all great friends and you get to hear about how much his parents like his girlfriend?

Whatever. I don't know the answer. But I'm starting to think I really screwed up like Scarlett. If "we" had ever worked out, people would call it romantic that I was patient and waited for him to wise up. But since it is not working out, it is pathetic instead. So yes, I'm cranky. And the frickin inversion isn't helping any. Thank goodness it has been sunny lately!